Fictional Hooper Bracket: The Elite Eight


RUCKER REGION: 1) Uncle Drew (Uncle Drew) vs 2) Jesus Shuttlesworth (He had a game)

The novelty of Uncle Drew has yet to wear off, as he knocked out Tommy “Shep” Sheppard from above the edge. The awful taste of Pepsi has never been closer to Coca-Cola, and now Uncle Drew is one victory away from the Final Four, one step closer and closer to the stickiest Gatorade bath in the world.

Jesus Shuttlesworth was forced to grow up fast, and that life experience helped him outrun fellow high school student Teen Wolf in a hotly contested Sweet 16 battle. (Scott Howard tries to find a girlfriend, while Jesus take out two at once with the help of campus pitchman/pimp Rick Fox and his stable of coeds.Like Ray Allen forgetting how DMs work, we didn’t need to see that, Spike. was here.)

As for the game, all I have to do is work in a Kyrie Irving vaccine joke to secure the fourth wall triple-double. That said, as far as the Jesus-Uncle Drew match goes, it shouldn’t be close, but I was wrong before. Shuttlesworth has the size, the grip, the shot, and the hate for nonsense to easily defeat Uncle Drew. He has game is art; Uncle Drew is capitalism disguised as art. Johnny Knoxville was dressing up as an old man for comedic purposes a solid decade before Pepsi pitched the idea to Kyrie Irving. (Knoxville and Irving are more alike than you might think because both are just as cool to play with death. BOOM.)

The only way to accept an Uncle Drew victory is if I have proof that Pepsi didn’t stuff the ballot box like they tried to ram our seizure-inducing Nitro Pepsi down our throats.

Get that corporate clown out of here and send him to the AARP Fictional Hooper Bracket so Papa Shuttlesworth can dust him off too.


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